Why I Chose to Stay

Obedience isn't always easy.  In fact, it usually never is.  When God spoke to me through His word, He point-blank told me I was to remain fighting for my marriage.  My initial reaction was, 'Yes, Lord, I will do what you ask.'  My second thought was, 'How am I going to explain this?

Our marriage struggles were not private.  They were, and have been, exploited all over the media.  I can personally attest to the corruption and cruelty of today's media in exposing half-truths and lies as solid fact.  We experienced this first-hand, with no avenue to defend ourselves.  It has been a harsh, painful road that has left a bitter taste in my mouth for journalists and news media.

That said, the story that had been painted of me and my husband left my family and friends completely incredulous when I shared that I was going to fight for my marriage.  Everyone's first response, my pastor included, was that I had the Biblical and legal right to leave him.  How would I explain to friends, family and peers what God had so clearly revealed to me?  That, I soon discovered, was up to God.

My dad, who was extremely protective of me (as every loving father should be), immediately set up a meeting with two high-powered attorneys in the wake of the media exploitation.  Walking into the meeting, I assumed it was a formality to discuss what could be done to protect me financially (kinda silly since I didn't have much).

Nothing could have prepared me for the attorneys' first question: "So, are we filing divorce papers today?"

I remember the blood rushing up into my face.  Sitting around a mahogany conference table on the top floor of a Newport Beach attorney's office with three pairs of eyes staring at me was not where I wanted to be at that time.  I wanted to run.  God wanted me to stay.  I heard a voice inside my heart say, "Now.  Share now."

Awesome.  God sure has a sense of humor.  Here I was, a 30-something 5'3" small-framed woman sitting across this gigantic table from three giants of men - 2 high-power attorneys and my father, a respectable businessman and mayor... And God says, "Now."

Before I knew it, my mouth started moving.  I heard the words ringing in my ears before I had time to edit them.  I won't forget what I heard:

"No.  I believe in God.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage... And I will not give up on that.   I believe that God can restore and reconcile any marriage... And I believe He's going to do that with ours."

Silence.

The men looked at each other and didn't really have any words.  God had spoken and it had left men dumbfounded.

I remember walking out of that office feeling like I was on cloud nine. (I'm sure the divorce attorney in the room didn't share my sentiments.)  After suffering the painful brutality of media, it was nothing short of a victory to me.  I had listened and obeyed God.  I had relayed the Truth.

Obedience is rarely easy... But it is rewarded.

Deuteronomy 11

¹³ And if you will diligently heed My commandments which I command you this day—to love the Lord your God and to serve Him with all your [mind and] heart and with your entire being—²⁵ There shall no man be able to stand before you; the Lord your God shall lay the fear and the dread of you upon all the land that you shall tread, as He has said to you.

²⁶ Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse—

²⁷ The blessing if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you this day;

¹⁴ I will give the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the latter rain, that you may gather in your grain, your new wine, and your oil.

Should I Divorce Him?

On a late February afternoon in 2011, I found myself curled up on a backyard patio chair, tears dripping down over my Bible as I contemplated divorce.  It was not a position I would ever have guessed to be in... not in a million years.  I knew God was not in favor of divorce... but I also knew that I had come to the end of my rope.  I couldn't take anymore lies, any more betrayal.  I was done.

I remember lifting my face up to the sky, my shoulders heaving with sobs, crying out, "What now, God? What do I do?  Divorce?  My heart can't take anymore.... Please, God, please.  Please help me."

At that moment, a gentle breeze picked up.  All was still except for the wind.  I watched as it gently flipped the pages of my Bible from right to left.  As quickly it had come, the breeze subsided.  I looked down to find that the pages had landed upon a highlighted verse.  I stared at the highlighted page in disbelief.  There, before me, were the words "What God has joined together, let man not separate" highlighted in bright yellow (Mark 10:9).  A chill went through my spine.  I looked again up at the sky and whispered, "Thank you, Father."  I had my answer.

It's one thing to recognize God's call... it's quite another to obey it.  At our house we have a sign hanging over our front door that reads, "God doesn't call the qualified... He qualifies the called."  I remember praying, "Lord, I am definitely not qualified for this... but I am willing.  Please work in me to qualify me to be the kind of wife You desire me to be."  God is so faithful.  He has answered that prayer over and over again, heaping blessing upon blessing in return.

I don't know where I'd be today had it not been for God's providence that late February afternoon.  I am grateful beyond measure for His voice that came in the wind.  I will continue to choose to head that voice.

How Do I Forgive Him?

"Don't judge others, and God will not judge you.  Don't condemn others, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.  Give to others, and you will receive.  You will be given much.  It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold.  You will be given so much that it will spill into your lap.  The way you give to others is the way God will give to you."

Luke 6:37-38 (ERV)

Choosing to love means choosing to forgive.  Often this is a difficult choice to make and an even more difficult task to execute.  I can't tell you how many times I have uttered the words, "Lord, I just can't.  How can I forgive this person after what they've done to me?  I can't, Lord... but I know that You can.  By Your power, please give me the grace to forgive."  

The blessed assurance I have is knowing that He will definitely grant the power and grace for me to forgive whomever has wronged me.  How do I know?  Because I know that when He commands me to do something, it in direct alignment with His will... And if it is in line with His will, He will give me the power of His Holy Spirit to do it.  ("For it is not by strength, nor by power, but by the Spirit.")

I have experienced blessing upon blessing after making the choice to forgive.  In choosing to forgive my husband, I have incurred the blessing of a more intimate marriage.  I continue to forgive the parts of him that he once kept hidden out of shame... And, because I do so, he now feels safe enough to come to me with his hurts and struggles instead of hiding them.  The more he experiences my forgiveness, the safer he feels to be honest and open with me.  As we choose to forgive each other, more has been given back unto us... More than we can hold.  ("It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold.") We have been given a deeper, more intimate, relationship on account of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice.  It's not an easy one... But as Jesus tells us, it most definitely is a rewarding one.  No matter what the offense, we can choose to forgive.  And, should we make that courageous choice, we will be "given so much it will spill into our laps."  

("How many times must I forgive this person?... "Seventy-times-seven.")