Am I Not Good Enough?

In the months that passed following my husband's betrayal, I set aside the time, money, and energy to better take care of myself.  The first thing I did was acquire a trusted and wise Christian counselor who could walk me through the turmoil.  This was crucial for my healing process.

My counselor helped me to see that in the years preceding the betrayal, I had not been respectfully treating myself as Jesus wanted me to be treated.  I had given myself the backseat to husband, kids, work, and everything/everyone around me.  She pointed out that I regarded myself with a low self-worth... That I believed I didn't deserve anything better than a cheating husband and an unfulfilling marriage.  It was time to turn that thinking around.

Through months and months of therapy, I learned the invaluable truth that I am God's child...valued more than rubies.  Proverbs 31:10 Amplified Bible (AMP) ^{10 "}A capable, intelligent, and ^[a]virtuous woman—who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls."  This was a new concept to me... to think that I was more valuable to God than precious rubies or pearls!  The pure thought of it made me smile.  

A woman who has been betrayed by her husband will inevitably think, "I wasn't good enough... He went outside our marriage because I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, smart enough...etc., etc."  The list could go on forever, and it's devastatingly haunting.  Though these words are Satan's words, drummed up from the father of lies to tear women down, these words are indeed damaging.  If rehearsed and given any credence, they will be completely destructive to ourselves and our relationships.  Satan would love to get us to believe we aren't good enough, for then there would be no reason to stay in the fight for our marriage.  The only way to fight the lies is with the truth of the scriptures.

As part of my healing process, I chose to participate in a bit of 'retail therapy' in which I went out and purchased signs of scripture to put all around our home.  One of the signs simple says, "She knew she was worth more than rubies."  There are times that I have to literally I look at this sign and say the words out loud: 'She knew she was worth more than rubies.... She knew she was worth more than rubies... She knew she was worth more than rubies.'  I drill this truth into my head until I can again recognize my worth as a daughter of the King.  

Now, it's my husband who reminds me of this truth day by day.  He has been redeemed and made completely new in Christ Jesus.  He is a new creation... a mighty warrior for Jesus now who reminds me of who I am in Christ.  God has healed and restored our marriage in miraculous ways. By His amazing grace, we share a deeper, more fulfilling relationship than we ever thought imaginable.  My husband comforts me through my pain and I comfort him through his. The result is incredible intimacy... A oneness that is unimaginable.

Should I Threaten to Leave Him?

I have heard many women say, "My husband knows that if he ever did anything like that, I'd divorce in an instant."

Out of naiveté, I'll admit, there was a time when I actually thought this same thing.  Though I don't recall ever voicing it aloud to my husband, I do feel as if I had this unspoken understanding that if ever I caught him doing ______, he'd be outta there.

Unfortunately, this is conditional love.  It is love that states, "As long as you do this, I will love you and accept you... But as soon as you do that, you are no longer welcome to receive my love."

Putting myself in my husband's shoes, I can only imagine what this type of belief about love would do to a man.  If he struggles with anything that his wife threatened to leave him over, would he ever be so bold as go bring it out in the open?  Heck no.  He would do whatever he could to keep that secret struggle hidden, wanting to risk nothing that could possibly result in the repeal of her love.  So what happens?  The secrets live on... The husband cannot confide in his one true companion to get help, comfort, and encouragement... And so the secrets remain hidden.

I know this because I lived it.  My husband felt that he could not come to me for help in his sexual addiction.  He felt it would risk our entire marriage... Why would he come to a woman who might possibly shun him for the the very things he shared?  I failed to communicate an unconditional love towards him and he failed to communicate his struggles to me.

When a spouse communicates that they will withdraw their love from the other because of something they may or may not do, the other spouse will not feel safe in the relationship.  They will keep their struggles to themselves.  As a result, both partners remain isolated and the marriage is weakened.  I believe this is Satan's greatest ploy to bring down marriages today... The lie that we won't truly be loved if our spouse really knew our deepest struggles.   Satan loves this because it keeps the marriage from experiencing true intimacy.

God created marriage to be a one-ship...  Two people joined together as one.  My husband and I grow in intimacy when we share our struggles with each other, pray about them, and hold each other through it.  With each struggle we face comes a new chance to grow the intimacy in our marriage.  I firmly believe that our marriage is as strong as it is today because of the pain and struggles we have openly shared and loved each other through together.  This is love without condition.  It's the hardest way to love, but it is, by far, the most fulfilling.

Should I Divorce Him?

On a late February afternoon in 2011, I found myself curled up on a backyard patio chair, tears dripping down over my Bible as I contemplated divorce.  It was not a position I would ever have guessed to be in... not in a million years.  I knew God was not in favor of divorce... but I also knew that I had come to the end of my rope.  I couldn't take anymore lies, any more betrayal.  I was done.

I remember lifting my face up to the sky, my shoulders heaving with sobs, crying out, "What now, God? What do I do?  Divorce?  My heart can't take anymore.... Please, God, please.  Please help me."

At that moment, a gentle breeze picked up.  All was still except for the wind.  I watched as it gently flipped the pages of my Bible from right to left.  As quickly it had come, the breeze subsided.  I looked down to find that the pages had landed upon a highlighted verse.  I stared at the highlighted page in disbelief.  There, before me, were the words "What God has joined together, let man not separate" highlighted in bright yellow (Mark 10:9).  A chill went through my spine.  I looked again up at the sky and whispered, "Thank you, Father."  I had my answer.

It's one thing to recognize God's call... it's quite another to obey it.  At our house we have a sign hanging over our front door that reads, "God doesn't call the qualified... He qualifies the called."  I remember praying, "Lord, I am definitely not qualified for this... but I am willing.  Please work in me to qualify me to be the kind of wife You desire me to be."  God is so faithful.  He has answered that prayer over and over again, heaping blessing upon blessing in return.

I don't know where I'd be today had it not been for God's providence that late February afternoon.  I am grateful beyond measure for His voice that came in the wind.  I will continue to choose to head that voice.