Why I Chose to Stay

Obedience isn't always easy.  In fact, it usually never is.  When God spoke to me through His word, He point-blank told me I was to remain fighting for my marriage.  My initial reaction was, 'Yes, Lord, I will do what you ask.'  My second thought was, 'How am I going to explain this?

Our marriage struggles were not private.  They were, and have been, exploited all over the media.  I can personally attest to the corruption and cruelty of today's media in exposing half-truths and lies as solid fact.  We experienced this first-hand, with no avenue to defend ourselves.  It has been a harsh, painful road that has left a bitter taste in my mouth for journalists and news media.

That said, the story that had been painted of me and my husband left my family and friends completely incredulous when I shared that I was going to fight for my marriage.  Everyone's first response, my pastor included, was that I had the Biblical and legal right to leave him.  How would I explain to friends, family and peers what God had so clearly revealed to me?  That, I soon discovered, was up to God.

My dad, who was extremely protective of me (as every loving father should be), immediately set up a meeting with two high-powered attorneys in the wake of the media exploitation.  Walking into the meeting, I assumed it was a formality to discuss what could be done to protect me financially (kinda silly since I didn't have much).

Nothing could have prepared me for the attorneys' first question: "So, are we filing divorce papers today?"

I remember the blood rushing up into my face.  Sitting around a mahogany conference table on the top floor of a Newport Beach attorney's office with three pairs of eyes staring at me was not where I wanted to be at that time.  I wanted to run.  God wanted me to stay.  I heard a voice inside my heart say, "Now.  Share now."

Awesome.  God sure has a sense of humor.  Here I was, a 30-something 5'3" small-framed woman sitting across this gigantic table from three giants of men - 2 high-power attorneys and my father, a respectable businessman and mayor... And God says, "Now."

Before I knew it, my mouth started moving.  I heard the words ringing in my ears before I had time to edit them.  I won't forget what I heard:

"No.  I believe in God.  I believe in the sanctity of marriage... And I will not give up on that.   I believe that God can restore and reconcile any marriage... And I believe He's going to do that with ours."

Silence.

The men looked at each other and didn't really have any words.  God had spoken and it had left men dumbfounded.

I remember walking out of that office feeling like I was on cloud nine. (I'm sure the divorce attorney in the room didn't share my sentiments.)  After suffering the painful brutality of media, it was nothing short of a victory to me.  I had listened and obeyed God.  I had relayed the Truth.

Obedience is rarely easy... But it is rewarded.

Deuteronomy 11

¹³ And if you will diligently heed My commandments which I command you this day—to love the Lord your God and to serve Him with all your [mind and] heart and with your entire being—²⁵ There shall no man be able to stand before you; the Lord your God shall lay the fear and the dread of you upon all the land that you shall tread, as He has said to you.

²⁶ Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse—

²⁷ The blessing if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God which I command you this day;

¹⁴ I will give the rain for your land in its season, the early rain and the latter rain, that you may gather in your grain, your new wine, and your oil.

Am I Not Good Enough?

In the months that passed following my husband's betrayal, I set aside the time, money, and energy to better take care of myself.  The first thing I did was acquire a trusted and wise Christian counselor who could walk me through the turmoil.  This was crucial for my healing process.

My counselor helped me to see that in the years preceding the betrayal, I had not been respectfully treating myself as Jesus wanted me to be treated.  I had given myself the backseat to husband, kids, work, and everything/everyone around me.  She pointed out that I regarded myself with a low self-worth... That I believed I didn't deserve anything better than a cheating husband and an unfulfilling marriage.  It was time to turn that thinking around.

Through months and months of therapy, I learned the invaluable truth that I am God's child...valued more than rubies.  Proverbs 31:10 Amplified Bible (AMP) ^{10 "}A capable, intelligent, and ^[a]virtuous woman—who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls."  This was a new concept to me... to think that I was more valuable to God than precious rubies or pearls!  The pure thought of it made me smile.  

A woman who has been betrayed by her husband will inevitably think, "I wasn't good enough... He went outside our marriage because I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, smart enough...etc., etc."  The list could go on forever, and it's devastatingly haunting.  Though these words are Satan's words, drummed up from the father of lies to tear women down, these words are indeed damaging.  If rehearsed and given any credence, they will be completely destructive to ourselves and our relationships.  Satan would love to get us to believe we aren't good enough, for then there would be no reason to stay in the fight for our marriage.  The only way to fight the lies is with the truth of the scriptures.

As part of my healing process, I chose to participate in a bit of 'retail therapy' in which I went out and purchased signs of scripture to put all around our home.  One of the signs simple says, "She knew she was worth more than rubies."  There are times that I have to literally I look at this sign and say the words out loud: 'She knew she was worth more than rubies.... She knew she was worth more than rubies... She knew she was worth more than rubies.'  I drill this truth into my head until I can again recognize my worth as a daughter of the King.  

Now, it's my husband who reminds me of this truth day by day.  He has been redeemed and made completely new in Christ Jesus.  He is a new creation... a mighty warrior for Jesus now who reminds me of who I am in Christ.  God has healed and restored our marriage in miraculous ways. By His amazing grace, we share a deeper, more fulfilling relationship than we ever thought imaginable.  My husband comforts me through my pain and I comfort him through his. The result is incredible intimacy... A oneness that is unimaginable.