Should I Threaten to Leave Him?

I have heard many women say, "My husband knows that if he ever did anything like that, I'd divorce in an instant."

Out of naiveté, I'll admit, there was a time when I actually thought this same thing.  Though I don't recall ever voicing it aloud to my husband, I do feel as if I had this unspoken understanding that if ever I caught him doing ______, he'd be outta there.

Unfortunately, this is conditional love.  It is love that states, "As long as you do this, I will love you and accept you... But as soon as you do that, you are no longer welcome to receive my love."

Putting myself in my husband's shoes, I can only imagine what this type of belief about love would do to a man.  If he struggles with anything that his wife threatened to leave him over, would he ever be so bold as go bring it out in the open?  Heck no.  He would do whatever he could to keep that secret struggle hidden, wanting to risk nothing that could possibly result in the repeal of her love.  So what happens?  The secrets live on... The husband cannot confide in his one true companion to get help, comfort, and encouragement... And so the secrets remain hidden.

I know this because I lived it.  My husband felt that he could not come to me for help in his sexual addiction.  He felt it would risk our entire marriage... Why would he come to a woman who might possibly shun him for the the very things he shared?  I failed to communicate an unconditional love towards him and he failed to communicate his struggles to me.

When a spouse communicates that they will withdraw their love from the other because of something they may or may not do, the other spouse will not feel safe in the relationship.  They will keep their struggles to themselves.  As a result, both partners remain isolated and the marriage is weakened.  I believe this is Satan's greatest ploy to bring down marriages today... The lie that we won't truly be loved if our spouse really knew our deepest struggles.   Satan loves this because it keeps the marriage from experiencing true intimacy.

God created marriage to be a one-ship...  Two people joined together as one.  My husband and I grow in intimacy when we share our struggles with each other, pray about them, and hold each other through it.  With each struggle we face comes a new chance to grow the intimacy in our marriage.  I firmly believe that our marriage is as strong as it is today because of the pain and struggles we have openly shared and loved each other through together.  This is love without condition.  It's the hardest way to love, but it is, by far, the most fulfilling.

Should I Divorce Him?

On a late February afternoon in 2011, I found myself curled up on a backyard patio chair, tears dripping down over my Bible as I contemplated divorce.  It was not a position I would ever have guessed to be in... not in a million years.  I knew God was not in favor of divorce... but I also knew that I had come to the end of my rope.  I couldn't take anymore lies, any more betrayal.  I was done.

I remember lifting my face up to the sky, my shoulders heaving with sobs, crying out, "What now, God? What do I do?  Divorce?  My heart can't take anymore.... Please, God, please.  Please help me."

At that moment, a gentle breeze picked up.  All was still except for the wind.  I watched as it gently flipped the pages of my Bible from right to left.  As quickly it had come, the breeze subsided.  I looked down to find that the pages had landed upon a highlighted verse.  I stared at the highlighted page in disbelief.  There, before me, were the words "What God has joined together, let man not separate" highlighted in bright yellow (Mark 10:9).  A chill went through my spine.  I looked again up at the sky and whispered, "Thank you, Father."  I had my answer.

It's one thing to recognize God's call... it's quite another to obey it.  At our house we have a sign hanging over our front door that reads, "God doesn't call the qualified... He qualifies the called."  I remember praying, "Lord, I am definitely not qualified for this... but I am willing.  Please work in me to qualify me to be the kind of wife You desire me to be."  God is so faithful.  He has answered that prayer over and over again, heaping blessing upon blessing in return.

I don't know where I'd be today had it not been for God's providence that late February afternoon.  I am grateful beyond measure for His voice that came in the wind.  I will continue to choose to head that voice.

How Do I Forgive Him?

"Don't judge others, and God will not judge you.  Don't condemn others, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.  Give to others, and you will receive.  You will be given much.  It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold.  You will be given so much that it will spill into your lap.  The way you give to others is the way God will give to you."

Luke 6:37-38 (ERV)

Choosing to love means choosing to forgive.  Often this is a difficult choice to make and an even more difficult task to execute.  I can't tell you how many times I have uttered the words, "Lord, I just can't.  How can I forgive this person after what they've done to me?  I can't, Lord... but I know that You can.  By Your power, please give me the grace to forgive."  

The blessed assurance I have is knowing that He will definitely grant the power and grace for me to forgive whomever has wronged me.  How do I know?  Because I know that when He commands me to do something, it in direct alignment with His will... And if it is in line with His will, He will give me the power of His Holy Spirit to do it.  ("For it is not by strength, nor by power, but by the Spirit.")

I have experienced blessing upon blessing after making the choice to forgive.  In choosing to forgive my husband, I have incurred the blessing of a more intimate marriage.  I continue to forgive the parts of him that he once kept hidden out of shame... And, because I do so, he now feels safe enough to come to me with his hurts and struggles instead of hiding them.  The more he experiences my forgiveness, the safer he feels to be honest and open with me.  As we choose to forgive each other, more has been given back unto us... More than we can hold.  ("It will be poured into your hands - more than you can hold.") We have been given a deeper, more intimate, relationship on account of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice.  It's not an easy one... But as Jesus tells us, it most definitely is a rewarding one.  No matter what the offense, we can choose to forgive.  And, should we make that courageous choice, we will be "given so much it will spill into our laps."  

("How many times must I forgive this person?... "Seventy-times-seven.")

What is He Hiding From Me?

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God.  Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth.  That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship.  God is sheer being itself - Spirit.  Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."
-John 4:23-24 (MSG)

We all have things that we's rather keep hidden. For me, it's my shopping and food addictions.  I love to shop and I love to eat.  If I'm having a crappy day, the first place I want to go to is the mall for a yummy treat and a new purchase.  Upon my return home, I do whatever I can to hide the evidence.  I make sure that I stash that Pottery Barn bag before my husband has a chance to see it... then I place my new purchase in a location where I pray he won't notice it, all the while rehearsing a response in my head should he do so: "Oh, that?  That's been there for some time."

For my husband, it's his sexual addiction.  Largely in part to the sexual abuse he incurred as a child, (not to mention the sexual images that are flashed before our eyes everywhere these days... but that's a whole other story.)  He struggles each day of his life with lust and provocative images.  If he's having a crappy day, the first thing he wants to do is escape.  Though he's come a long way in his addiction, he still struggles with the thoughts and images that flood his head.  Just like my shopping, he has to fight the desire to keep his struggle hidden.

Why do we hide these parts of us?  I think the answer lies in Scripture.  Why did Adam and Eve hide from God when first they realized that they had sinned?  They thought they wouldn't be fully loved when He discovered it.  I hide my shopping because I think my husband's disappointment will result in a withdrawal of his love for me.  Similarly, my husband hides his sexual temptations from me because he thinks that I will love him less if I knew the extent of his struggles.  The result? There remains this hidden part that we keep from one another... and that hidden part remains unloved.

My husband and I have been through a lot of extensive therapy from traumatic incidents we have experienced over the past few years.  One thing we have learned in our therapy is that we cannot keep these parts of us hidden.  If we do, not only are we are sabotaging the ability for our spouse to love us unconditionally, but we are surrendering the gift of being loved unconditionally.

When Jesus approached the woman at the well and asked her to fetch her husband, she could very well have kept hidden the fact that the man she was currently living with was not her husband.  She did not.  I believe she was one of the most courageous women in the Bible.  Why?  Because she chose not to hide.  The result?  Jesus offered her unconditional love.

That's the kind of love I want to feel from my Heavenly husband (Jesus) and my earthly husband.  In order to experience it, however, I have to be just as brave as the woman at the well.  No more hiding my Pottery Barn bags.  Exposing my struggles, I allow my husband to love me for me... all of me... even the parts of me that struggle and fail.  As for him, no more hiding his sexual struggles (he can't anymore!)... we talk about it and I love him through it.  My husband and I don't have it all figured out (duh!), but we are trying.  We are both working on openly sharing our struggles with one another.  It is far from easy... it takes a lot of courage, and I sometimes revert to old habits of hiding.  But here's what I do know... it is a sure-fire way to experience a deeper love... a more intimate, unconditional love.

Have I Fallen Out of Love?

It's not uncommon to hear the words, "We fell out of love" at the end of a deteriorating relationship.  Hearing these words, I can't help but question, "Is it actually possible that someone can fall out of love?  How can love be something that you  fall into or out of???"  Wouldn't this imply that love is something done to you, not something you do?  

When I look at the simple instruction Jesus gave us in "love one another," I am reminded that love is indeed an action.  Not only is it an action, it is a command.  Jesus commands us to love.  Notice He didn't ask us to love each other if 'it felt good.'  No, His command was simply to love.  Period.  And, as with all commands, we have the choice to obey it or not.

I choose to love my husband, despite his shortcomings and failures (which, by the way, we all have... unless we're not human).  He chooses to love me, despite all of mine.  We call this loving "all" of each other.  I love "all of him" and he loves "all of me."  Though it's definitely not always easy, we have made this choice... And God continues to reward us in unexpected and completely irrational ways because of it.

It is our hope that with God's grace we can encourage other couples to do the same by sharing a little of what we've learned on our journey.